I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
