i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
