This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
