If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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