I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
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She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
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I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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