god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Your dad touched me again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
