I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
