The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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