He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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