Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
