if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
