I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
