put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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