some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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