highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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