He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
