respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
