I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
