I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
