Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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