I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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