dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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