I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
