If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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