My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
