ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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