I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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