Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Randomize
