god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
