just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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