it hurts more in the daytime
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The adults are the big ones right?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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