i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
