can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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