onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The struggles of a small town man whore
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