my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
