Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
