heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
