i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
