Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
