you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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