i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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