obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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