who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
