I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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