my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
