I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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