All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
