I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
