She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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