I have demons in me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
