is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
