Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
