Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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