Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
