you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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