Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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