My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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